Breakfast at Gigi’s, Volume 4 – Mourning
when I woke up this MORNING I felt something,…what thwhat?!!,OMG. THE WHOLE BOTTOM HALF OF MY BODY WAS SORE,.,HEAvy…T ight. unfamiliar in its familiarity,..an old friend, a lover even. Then…A perverse knowing came over me as I smiled. relieved. I realized ..ITS WEDNESDAY
For the majority of my career I have always been sore on Wednesday mornings. TUESDAY night dance classes are with my most talented dancers and We work pretty hard. Wednesday mornings are spent hobbling about,..renegotiating my posture, bargaining with the pain .(“is this gonna turn into something, maybe I should get a massage, or go to the chiropractor”) Reviewing each movement from the night before in order to give names to the muscles and identify the culprit. I always wonder if the dancers are sore too. I stretch to find relief, make a note to pass it on.
TODAY was different,..I haven’t been sore in a long time, as a matter of fact I can’t remember the last time I felt anything…it must ve been before my brother died.
Today i am grateful to feel .
(“is that a PULLED HAMSTRING? ?.where is that gift certificate I got fom Hockettes for a massage…?”)
My brother passed away on April 20 from agressive stage 4 Cancer. The month leading up to his last days were emotionally brutalizing and I became numb.
As as an artist I had no experience with grief. Not like this. I had no idea how insidious the emotions were. I am tired, sleep doesn’t really help, I am bored, uninspired.. I am annoyed and frequently angry.
My work is based on emotion. Everything starts from a feeling.” WILL EVERYTHING STOP Now? ” “will I have to get a job in an office behind a desk because I can’t feel anything?”
I gained 15 lbs. In the end my brother could not eat. Everyone in my family Lost their appetites. I began eating the food he loved..regardless of my aversions to dairy and gluten. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, smoothies, pasta, soda,. And licorice…bag after bag of licorice. some how eating these things felt like solidarity.
ONE DAY a couple of weeks ago in class I looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself. I wondered if I would ever be the same again. no. Everytime I realize he is gone it Feels like an amputee feels about their missing limb. He’s here,…isn’t he ? I m not sure,..and where he used to be is a lot of pain.
I felt the thaw begin in the studio . As I worked on a new piece of choreography,..I felt my eyes narrow as I fine tuned my focus and opened up to a inner feeling,. That familiar knowing…when the choreography clicks and You know you’ve got something good…,.somewhere I could feel my self coming back.
the fastest way back to the self is through the self…and for me through my Art and my body,…meditation, yoga, Pilates, ballet and cardio.Chiropactic and Massage and,.. im back to clean eating,..(i will never give up licorice).These regimes are my salvation.
when an Artist tells you that their Art saved their life. This is what they are talking about. When your teacher and coaches and people you love tell you to “do what you love.” This is what they mean,..When everything is stripped away and you have only yourself to survive, you need a vehicle. A manner in which you reach your inner most being. something real and deep and honest. And PURE.
I am still so confused about this process,.. But Today for the first day in a long time,..I am sore, my knees are swollen and there is something wrong withe whole right side of my right leg,..and oHM I think I have a sprained toe. It took me an extra hour to get moving…….THANK GOD
Do what you love people, do it all the time.
MANY BLESSINGS TO ALL
Rest in Peace Scotty I Love You